The Story in his Eyes

An elder man told me a story of his younger days camping out near the Anasazi (ancient people’s) dwellings in New Mexico.  He found some books about the old ways, how the men would take the boys down into the Kivas, wrestle with them, teach them to hunt and tell them stories about their culture.  He said it was ironic to be reading about how men used to initiate the younger men, while looking down on the abandoned Kivas.  As a white European he felt as abandoned by his family and culture as the ruins below him.  He was the youngest son growing up without his dad, who was gone five days a week, and without his older brother, who was in boarding school.  There was no one to initiate him into manhood.  He longed for contact, relationship, and affection from his male relatives and friends.   Raised among women he felt a sense of alienation which wasn’t dispelled by his marriage and the birth and growth of his sons.  He didn’t know how to be a successful father, how to bond with his children.  He had no male mentor, no pattern to follow.

Thinking about how common my friend’s story has become in America today, I walked to the coffee shop.  There I noticed two men sitting at a table.  One, in his early 20’s, was wearing his college tee shirt announcing his status.  The older one, probably 30, was sporting tattoos down both arms and a super-size body.  If he had been an athlete like his younger friend appeared to be, he hasn’t been running since his wedding.  The two were talking about finances, plans to get ahead, people they knew.  What struck me was how engaging the younger man was.  He continued to smile, ask questions, listen attentively while the older man talked.  This went on for a long while.  Both men’s legs were jittery.  The younger man was wearing socks and soft corduroy loafers, which reminded me of the Persian shoes I imagined Aladdin might wear.  He had running shorts which matched his socks.  The tan slippers matched the lettering on his shirt.  The older guy’s decorations were skin deep and permanent.  They stayed focused on one another a long time.

What surprised me was when they got up to leave.  First there was the hand shake.  Then they hugged good bye.  Then they continued talking, something about the older man’s wife.  Then the young man reached out and shook hands again, but this time didn’t let go immediately.  He was enjoying the contact.  The older taller guy didn’t seem to notice this, but when he did let go, he shook off the contact as though something wet were on his hand.  An invisible substance had psychically exuded from the young admirer and the friend was shaking it off.  I guess he didn’t want the feeling he had experienced in the moment.  Neither man noticed.  But I did.  This was exactly what the elder had been talking about earlier.

We need to transmit manhood to the young men, but the old ways are gone.  The men’s movement has tried to resurrect the process and those who could participate have benefited.  Most of us however are going to do this on our own.  We have to appreciate the young men and acknowledge their abilities verbally, so they get the mirroring they need.  We also must make ourselves available for contact and conversation the way these two men were doing at the coffee shop.  That’s how we mentor others, by showing up and being responsible (able to respond).  We elders track the younger men. We pay attention to them over time, so we are able to reflect their growth, their progress, and their mistakes back to them.  That’s how we let others know that they are not alone.  The elder men need to be watching.  It might be a little frightening to have an old guy in your life at first.  It is new, unfamiliar and exciting.  It calls forth, evokes, ancient genetically conditioned feelings, the need for initiation.  Trust yourself and your intuition.  Keep your eyes and your ears open and risk relationship.  It will make all the difference.  Not all men can mentor others, but we need to try.  There is no other option, if we don’t want the alienation and violence to continue.  Look at us.  What have we done to ourselves and our children?  Didn’t your father just replicate what he learned from his male ancestors?  We have to break the chain and heal the planet.