Popping your Kitty

Three years ago, after a night long Peyote Ceremony of the Native American Church, a dip in the hot springs and some food, I returned to my pickup truck.  Much to my delight I found my young friend laying in the back of the camper.  I crawled in and I embraced him.  He surprised me with a totally new concept when he said, “you’re popping your kitty at me again.”  I was astonished, what did he mean by that?  “I could feel your penis pressing up against me when you hugged me just now.”  Wow, could that be true?  I tried to remember.  Was I aware of an erection?  Sure enough, he was right. I could feel the sexual excitement in my penis.  I was hardwired.  My parents really did a number on my body.  I can’t get near a man who reminds me of my dad without getting excited.  That unconscious programming of childhood and sexual abuse is overwhelmingly strong.  Trying to defend myself, I said, “I was sexually abused in childhood.”  His response?  “So was I, but I have been experimenting with my sexuality and I don’t do that anymore.  I can control myself.”

A few weeks later, he accused me of popping my kitty at him again.  But I was paying attention to my physical awareness and knew I did not have an erection when I hugged him.  I was certain of that and said so.  He was confused.  He felt something pressing against him, he knew it was an erection he was feeling.  But was it possible?  Could it be that we were both correct when our experiences contradicted each other?  He asked me to hug him again.  The second time, which was seconds later, he couldn’t feel anything.  He pulled me closer until our groins were touching.  Nothing was there on either side of the experience.  Could we both be right?  Easy.  He was molested by his father in childhood and often re-experienced the old feelings in the present moment.  That is how post-traumatic stress symptoms manifest.  But could it really be that intense and dramatic?  And what if it were?  That would mean our choices and behavior could be influenced by what we feel we are experiencing as coming from outside but which isn’t there.  That’s what they meant by a “figment of your imagination”.  The imagination is so strong that an imaginary erection is experienced as a real erection.  This made sense to me.  It confirmed the importance of checking in with the body experience and knowing that perception sometimes plays PTSD tricks on us.  Where did that take my young friend?

To New York City and the world of the male hustler he really was.  After disappearing for a year, he reappeared in town.  When he hugged me I could feel his erection pressing up against me and I said, “what’s this? You popping your kitty at me again”? I asked.  “Oh, that was last year, when I cared.  Now I don’t.  Have you got room in your apartment for me?  I need a place to stay.”  “Well, I have a double futon and a large floor, if you want to share the space.”  He did.  He wanted the love and affection from an older man, one who wasn’t quite as crazy as his father.  It stayed loving and positive for a few days.  When the transference of his negative feelings onto me began and he started reacting to me as if I were his abusive father, he moved onto the floor and slept alone, just like he used to do in the jungle of Hawaii when he ran away as a child.  The difference was that, unlike his real dad, I would go looking for him.  He could hide and make sure he wasn’t found when he wanted to, but when he did want to be found, he let me find him.  And love him.  And then he ran away again.  The pattern has continued like that for six years.  He’s gone again.

I quit looking for the Vampire, once I realized how the bite works.  Hard to stay away from that powerful Medicine, but now I know myself much better.  And just the other day I got a couple of embraces from young men.  I too have “really” done the work.  I didn’t pop my kitty at them and I knew I hadn’t.  Being aware of the present moment (and my body in it) is the only way to avoid the Vampire’s claim “you popped your kitty at me”.  Being unconscious can be fun, but the consequences usually are not.  Choosing the company we keep creates a beautiful world where Vampires fear to tread, the Light of Consciousness.